


Longing in the rain

by Aveola



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Drama, Hurt, Junjou, M/M, Past, Problems, Psychological Trauma, Realtionship, Romance, Slice of Life, intimate, romantica - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-10
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-21 18:14:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8255522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aveola/pseuds/Aveola
Summary: I closed my eyes to all the feelings as I stood in the rain, wanting them to be washed away.





	1. A crack in this castle of glass

** Prolog **

 

* * *

 

_**"All dreams have a reason"** _

* * *

 

 

Lightnings flashed my sight. Cold rain poured down on me. I blinked, trying to catch my breath. Then I stopped in my tracks, looking left and right not knowing which way to go. My mind was spinning, shouting at me.

_Faster! Hurry up! Before it's too late!_

To late for what? What made me running in this pouring rain, not feeling anything anymore other than the piercing cold in my limbs. I tried to swallow, only to find my throat hurting and dry. My feet moved on their own, walking faster with every step untill I was running again.

Something was wrong here, terribly wrong. It felt like a vicious circle with no escaping. Like I'm running never reaching my goal. _Goal?_ Again I was blinded by an lightning, it made me stumble lost in my tracks.

Not knowing where to hold on to I fell. I hit the ground hard. The impact nearly pressed all the air out of my lungs, leaving me behind, heavy breathing. My hand moved to my throat, grabbing it unconsciously to make it work properly. The rain got heavier making me feel like drowning.  
I tried to stand up, but my legs wouldn't move anymore. A numb feeling crawled from my feets up to my arms. I begun to panic, tried to struggle against the overcoming numbness, against the feeling of suffocating. Tears welled up, flowed down my cheeks and became one with the raindrops. Fear overhelmed me, I tried to scream but nothing left my mouth. Again something flashed me. A lightning? But it wasn't a lightning. I looked to the left, where the light came from. It looked familiar, something that I had known. I couldn't think straight anymore panic and fear fogging my mind. The only thing in mind I could catch was my fear of those lights. From looking into the lights my eyes started to hurt but I couldn't look away. A headache greeted me. Then - there. A clue what it was. My eyes widden. The moment I realized what it was, my whole stiffened. And in the same moment I heard the yowling motor of the car as the lights dashed in my direction, not caring who was in their way.

I opened my eyes and shot up from my bed, cold sweat running down my face.

_Silence._

Silence filled my room, my ears. Nothing was there. No rain, no car.  
A knot in my chest made realise that I was holding my breath. I slowly breathed in and out trying to be as quietly as possible. On an impulse I moved my legs only to let out a sigh of relief. "Just a dream..." I lifted one of my hands not only to notice the it was trembling. "Just a silly dream..." I repeated with a slight smile as a feeling of nausea came over me. Nearly buckling with my trembling legs I rushed to the toilet with only one thought in my mind. Please don't let Usagi-san find this out..  
Why? I didn't know it myself.


	2. Get Free

 

** Chapter 1 - Get Free **

 

* * *

  ** _"Children aren't meant to stay with their parents forever. Only lovers are built to do that. "_ **

* * *

 

White. The wall was white.

I should know it after all, since I was staring at it for at least two hours, waiting for the morning to come. I couldn't go to sleep anymore after that dream. " _Maybe I'm sick_ ", that's what I thought, but after checking my temperature and the feeling of nausea not returning I think I'm quite alright.

Maybe _stressed_? I've got a lot to do with college and part-time job. _No, I can handle all that._ I blinked and shifted a little to ease my aching arm, wich I was lying on. My throat felt dry even after drinking a bottle of water and brushing my teeth. My gaze roamed through the room to the ceiling, images of the night flickering right before my eyes. I closed them with a sigh escaping my lips. Looking at the clock and realizing that it was already past six in the morning, I showed myself out of the bed. Way too early to get up on my day off, but I needed something to do.

I hushed out of my room, still trying not to wake Usagi-san up. He was working till late at night and would surely not be up before two o'clock in the afternoon. Lucky for me, he didn't woke up in the night either. After turning on the coffee machine my feet dragged me to the balcony. A breeze of cold fresh air welcomed me and I stepped forward to the wall of the balcony and looked at the orange-blue heaven. It was quite a view and I stopped myself in time from running and waking Usagi-san to see it. leaning my chin on the balcony and sighing again, I tried to brush of the feeling of uneasiness.

"That dream..." A taste of bitterness on my tongue made me make a grimace, trying to get rid of it. I shook my head. "Just a dream. It was just a dream, it's nothing to get worked up for." I kept talking to myself, silently knowing that I couldn't fool myself.

To keep me from thinking about that topic I burdened me with more and more chores. While washing the clothes, washing the dishes again and again, I caught myself looking at the clock too often. After hours of doing the same thing over again I heard noise from above. It was a gentle sound, a creak from his door, then his curbed footsteps on the expensive beige carpet. My heart begun to flatter yet at the same time butterflies seemed to fly through my belly. I fought against the desire to run upstairs and to throw myself in his arms. _What the hell is wrong with you?_ I swallowed nervously and wiped my sweaty Hands on my jeans. _There you have it!_ Something screamed in my mind.

I didn't understand.

I didn't understand my reactions.

I didn't understand my thoughts.

This all was happening way too fast for me the get the problem. _Is there a problem at all?_ I couldn't answer that. "Today is a normal day, just like every other day" I mumbled to myself. But you can't fool yourself. "Maybe I'm just off today. I need sleep, just a little rest." I laughed shaking my head a second time that day.

"Misaki." I froze. My heart froze. I stopped breathing for one moment. It was the voice of a man but not my man. That voice didn't belong to Usagi-san. I jumped around, expecting to see somebody from the agency, people who always intrude our home trying to get their hands on finished manuscripts that Usagi-san still hasn't turned in – but I saw none.

"Hello?" I was imagining things, no one answered. I blinked realizing that I was all alone in the living room. "Just off today," I repeated to myself only to jump around again when I heard soft but heavy footsteps on the stairs, meeting a pair of violet sleepy eyes, as the gray-haired walked or rather stumbled the stairs down. "Usagi-" I was cut off with him suddenly bowing down laying his lips on mine. The butterflies from earlier returned making my face burn with heat. I felt the uneasiness falling of my chest. "Usagi. Stop it." He only grumbled and pulled me into a hug. I closed my eyes breathing in his natural scent and accepting his warmth. "I need my morning doses." a soft laugh. "Morning? You know it's already past two?" "Time for breakfast." "Usagi, stop leaning on me!" With his 1,85 cm he was way taller than me and way too heavy. "Usagi! Stop closing your eyes! If you want to sleep - Whoa! We're falling! Usagi! "

* * *

-Longing in the rain-

* * *

 

"-saki. Misaki." "Huh?" I snapped out of my thoughts. "We're you even listening to me?" Violet eyes glanced at me before he looked back at the street. "Yeah..." _No_. " "What's wrong with you? You keep on spacing out the whole day." He grabbed the hitch and switched back to the third. The motor howled and the engine brake slowed the red car down. My hands became sweaty. "Didn't sleep well." I mumbled looking at the road. Usagi didn't reply. Then "You don't sleep to well a lot lately." My heart skipped a beat. "What?" With the lights red, the car stopped at a crossway. His violet eyes turned to me, examining my face. "You don't sleep well a lot lately. " he repeated as if I didn't understand him.

"What makes you think that?" the corner of my mouth twitched. With his gaze back again on the streets he replied. "You keep on turning from one to the other side mumbling" _Ba-dump._ " For though I can't figure out what you are saying." Thank god. "Maybe I'm just dreaming about you harassing me?" I laughed it off but stopped when he didn't. "Misaki." A frowned appeared on his otherwise emotionsless face. He grabbed the hitch again to switch to the second and then to the third. "I'm serious."

Silence filled the car. Yeah, he really was serious.

But I didn't break the silence, not until we arrived at my brothers home, where we we're heading to. "You don't need to tell Takahiro unecessary things." I didn't even wait for an answer and stepped out of the car. Leaving him behind in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With a sudden end of a chapter I hope to get over my writers block. The plot is slowly turned in and I hope, that with the next chapter, I will have something more interesting for you. Please ignore mistakes on grammar etc. I'm improving. To be continued...
> 
> PS: This is on a a old story of mine I try to finish here. These are old chapter withs old failures in it (like syntax and the way of speaking)
> 
> I hope you still get along with it though!


	3. Buried feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler? Filler!

** Chapter 2 - Buried feelings **

 

* * *

 

 

_" _Grief is not as heavy as guilt, but it takes more away from you."__

 

* * *

_Tack. Tack. Tack. Tack._ With my hands I rubbed over my face and tried to get rid of this tiredness, gazing from the clock on the wall to the window. It was still dark and you could see stars scattered in the sky. From my old apartment where I lived with my brother, you could see the sky too, but it was far from being considered as good as you could see it here. Somehow, this time I wasn't interested in the view. It didn't even touched me, as it usually would. I sighed and tried to ignore the burning in my eyes. Now at dead of night I sat here below, in the livingroom and tried convulsively to fall asleep and at the same time to stay awake.

Tonight I had a nightmare again.

Again I drowned in the pouring cold rain, while I was blinded by lights which came from all directions. After waking up, I felt so cold that I had to get the second cover from the built-in wardrobe. But I didn't last long in my room. The sudden silence and the darkness which hurt in the eyes seemed to crush me. For one moment I considered to simply crawl in Usagis bed. To lie down to his side in his warm arms, was too temptingly. To be enveloped in his fragrant has always calmed me down and to fell his breath upon my neck somehow gave me the feeling of safty and.... stability? Even though now I'm sitting down here staring at the clock again. If I had lain down to Usagi, what was quite atypical for me, he would have asked unnecessary questions and made himself worried again.

Very briefly: I would have been a burden.

And this was one of few things which I didn't want at all.

I rolled with my eyes.

"Anyway, there is nothing which one would have to worry to himself about."

I spoke out loud. Nobody answered. Not even this annoying voice in my head, wich hadn't left me alone since a few days. Silence called in again and till the break of dawn, I didn't dare to interrupt it again.

"Breakfeast is on the table." I said to Usagi who wanted to help me in the kitchen. "You can sit down, I'm just getting the coffee."

He turned around on the sales and sat down, exhausted. "Did you work till late in the night again?" The smell of fresh coffee filled the space. I put the pot down on the table and sat also down. Usagi loosened his tie a little bit

"I had a few ideas wich I wanted to write down, before I forget them." With my forehead wrinkled I poured us both coffee.

"And how long did it take?" While speaking with him, my look stucked on my cup. "I think it was till 3am?" It was more a question than a answere.

_Ba-dump_. When did I wake up again? Half past three. My gaze slipped and I startled when my eyes met his.

"T-till 3am?" I spluttered hasty. "You should take better care of your sleep pattern. Something like that isn't good for you."

I rebuked Usagi and looked at my cup again. "Shit!" The coffee was overflowing. I put the pot fast down and hurried into the kitchen to get a cloth. Usagi only quietly stayed down and crossed his arms, his eyes bruning into my back, "You really _could_ help me." I murmured a little angry and lifted the plate with the egg fast out of the way, before the coffee could reach it. But before I could wipe up the spilled coffee he grabbed my wrist.

For one moment, my body stiffened but I forced myself to relax. "Usagi, I must wipe this up here." His deep voice was quiet and decisive. "Look at me." I winked.

"What?"

"You've heard me quite properly. Since the birthday of your brother you haven't onced looked at me."

I looked up and my heart paused once more easily when I saw his grey violet eyes.

"I-I'm looking at you."

"You're looking at my clothes." he answered without decreasing the pressure on my wrist. "You look at my forehead. My mouth. But you have **not** even once looked to me in the eyes. "

"Sur-"

"Don't be stupid." he interrupted me, raised his voice just a little and his clutch more firm. For me, it was as if he was yelling. He pulled me towards himself, until my hip bumped to the table.

His eyes. How long was it that I have seen in these miraculous eyes? These eyes which were, at the same time, so awful because they saw things in me which they shouldn't see. "We both know how badly of a liar you are. Why do you even try it ?" His face lost some of the irritation, but now I  recognised something that was way worse.

Worry.

Worry because of me.

"Have you looked in the mirror today? You looked already lousy the last past days, but today? Your rings under the eyes are nearly screaming at me." With these words, fear began to spread out in me and the tips of my finger began to run cold.

_No. No. No. He couldn't know it._

_Ah,_ there is this voice again. And this time we both agreed, even if I couldn't exactly say why.

But because I couldn't handle the fear, I acted like most people would. I became angry. "Oh?! Have you tried looking in the mirror yourself?! You look just as lousy as me! Don't point with the finger at other people if one himself is not better off. "

The surprise was written on his face. I tried to break away my wrist , but he grabbed me more firmly.

"Let go of me!" I shouted now.

I knew that I would regret it later. However, in this moment these bewildering feelings won and took over control.

"No! At first you tell me whats wrong with yourself!" He was shouteing now. "You act thus as if you were fine. You smile and say 'This is nothing . Don't worry'. But I'm not _blind_."

He had gotten up from his chair and now towered above me, so that I had to lift my head.

"I see how worse you feel with every new day! But what I cannot see... " Now he lowered his voice and his eyes were searching something in my face. "Is the reason for it." I couldn't answere. "I have given you time because I've trusted the fact that you would speak with me if you don't get on. But I was wrong. You're hurting yourself at the moment. Even with your silence. " I starred at him with far wide-eyed eyes and tried to handle what he had said. But my brain begun to stutter and refused me the service.

_Is he right?_

And then when my head refused the service completely, my feelings reacted for me and before I could stop myself I pronounced the next words.

"I would never go to you with my problems. Even if there were some."

And still, while I spoke, the feeling of nervous fury subsided and gave a way to that of remorse. Usagi, _my Usagi_ , so seldom with showing his own feelings looked at me with an so lonely and injuried look.

"Usa-" he let go my wrist. "Usagi I-" Nevertheless, I did not speak further, did not save what should have to be saved. Usagi turned around, took his car key of the chest of drawers in the hall and left the flatlet.

I stood there and stared after him horrified. "What have I done?" Nevertheless, nobody answered to me, except the silence who welcomed me in her armes again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for keeping up with grammar e.g. Thank you for reading.
> 
> Ideas and reflections are welcome! 
> 
> So this was the "last" one of my "old" chapters. The next one will be somehow...newer :D

**Author's Note:**

> Searching for Betareader
> 
>  
> 
> A long long time ago a girl wrote one story after another. But time went by, work piled up, and her storys lessed.
> 
> Now the girls tried to write again, doing the thing she loves so much. Her writing feather that once fell, was picked up again and even though she knew that she would have to start from the beginning by learning the grammar and the way to write english storys again, she did it.
> 
> Faintly at the beginning, but she's going to improve in that and showing the poeple around her that she has the ability to write and make other poeple happy with her work.
> 
> Thank you for reading
> 
> To be continued...


End file.
